It's exactly 4 years since I was whisked off to hospital and discovered I had kidney cancer. It's a weird one because as anniversaries go it's not a particularly pleasant one but at the same time it's unforgettable and stops me in my tracks.
It should be the time of year when I'd be having my annual scan but due to my haphazard hospital record, scans have been missed, forgotten and therefore later each time. I received a letter telling me my next appointment would be April 24th, I've had this date for several months. It occurred to me recently though that a scan date hadn't come through so I phoned to check it out. I was told that the April date was a mistake and the consultant hadn't asked for me to be scanned until June and so my appointment will be moved back until the results are in.
This is totally understandable and really not an issue, I mean scans aren't something to look forward to anyway. Why then, when I put down the phone did my tears come? I think it's the need to know that everything is ok.
Four years is good going and so close to that 5 year goal that I don't want it to drag on, I want my reassurance at around the same time I have that anniversary. It's the time I can't avoid thinking about it so it'd be good to get the scan and annual check up over and done with.
On that fateful day 4 years ago I was blissfully unaware of the tumour lurking in my kidney and my wardrobe held very little by way of comfortable clothing - ever the fashionista. I can laugh now about my poor husband frantically searching for something suitable to put me in as I flat refused to go to hospital in my jimjams. The only trousers he could find with an elasticated waist also had a lining - Gwen Stefani obviously didn't design them with emergency department urgency in mind. As John attempted to ease me into them I was sliding around the laminate floor in agony, oh the memories...
Fast forward and I not only possess a large quantity of lycra clothing but I've also diversified from alternative fashion to designing and making active wear and I love it. In keeping with my new comfort driven wardrobe I've been doing yoga for the past 3 years, I run whenever I can and eat more healthily than I've ever done.
For me this is proof that cancer, although being an almighty bastard that sneaks up and takes the legs from under you, can sometimes lead to more positive life changes. I readily admit that I'm one of the lucky ones, although still on the radar awaiting the 4 year all clear I'll only have 12 more months left till the 5 year goal.
It's also steered me to another passion, writing. Early ambitions of becoming a journalist never materialised and I'd more or less given up until I became ill. The need to keep a diary led to this blog which in turn I'm now putting into book format. To help with this process I joined a writing group and have been churning out short stories and poems ever since, who'd have thought?!
Cancer in a bizarre twist has given me a new lease of life, one where I'm finding real purpose in my work and being able to express myself through writing. It's also failed to take away my sense of humour and to mark this auspicious anniversary I chose those Gwen Stefani trousers to wear today. We've come a long way together and I reckon I'm prepared for anything now.
Showing posts with label kidney cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kidney cancer. Show all posts
Monday, 13 March 2017
Thursday, 25 August 2016
Lose Control, Alt, Delete
The last three and a half years of my business have been the most confusing of the 14 years I've been self employed. In March 2013 I lost control big time when I was struck down with cancer suddenly which in turn saw me shut down the business straight away, or so I thought.
In the confusion, of which there was plenty, I thought I'd spoken to HMRC and closed Missfit Creations, when my self assessment arrived later that year I found out I hadn't. So began the alternating, from self employed to unemployed (I did close Missfit Creations eventually) and then to self employed when I felt able to continue. However, I wasn't well enough so stopped again only to re-emerge a while later as Missfit UK.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, my cancer had led to me pursuing a healthier lifestyle which in turn saw me start yoga and running. As I am pretty good with a needle and thread I made my own fitness gear and so the idea of turning this into a business felt right. I wasn't yet 100% well and decided to add health and fitness accessories to my stock so that I wouldn't be reliant only upon items I made myself, hence dropping 'Creations'.
No matter how I dressed it up, selling lycra running belts and foam rollers didn't excite as much as kitting out a boy band or glitzing up a drag queen.
Then came an opportunity to work with a local yoga studio making leggings and tops, this did interest me and I set about designing and making a few sample pieces. However, I still didn't have the drive that I used to and this worried me. I began doubting my abilities, especially my design and sewing skills - they hadn't been used for over 2 years.
During that time there had been moments when I almost blamed my business for the illness which remains largely unexplained. Had I been working too hard, was it stress? These feelings manifested themselves into a need to rid myself of anything and everything to do with Missfit and at a particularly low moment I hit delete. Gone was my beautiful website, I called to ask for it to be shelved for the foreseeable. No more Facebook page, those 3,800 likes meant nothing anymore and so I deleted it. I continued this wipe out of my beloved business by removing the name from other social media sites I used and making it known that Missfit was no more. It didn't end there, shelves of fabrics were bagged up to be given away, eBayed or even car booted (apart from the lycra and sequins...) The fabric was joined by 100s of sewing patterns and other bits and pieces I no longer felt the need for. The final nail in Missfits coffin was the sale of my remaining stock which was made up of over 600 pieces of vintage clothing and a substantial amount of my own designs. Sold to a shop in Charing Cross, all gone.
Fast forward to the new incarnation of my business, Missfit UK and I'm telling myself it's not much different, lycra leggings are similar to lycra Bowie suits, aren't they? Still something wasn't right and it took another dark day to highlight just what it was.
Since having my kidney removed I'd experienced a lot of pain and so had been prescribed a kind of neuropathic pain killer - one that treats pain triggered by nerve damage. What I hadn't realised was that a side effect of the dose I was on led to feelings of lethargy, I was often so tired and my head was a blur. This drug induced apathy was not conducive to a creative profession. I was struggling to concentrate and work on the new yoga designs was going nowhere fast. I was also waiting on results of my latest ct scan and didn't feel good so in another moment of madness I stopped the drugs.
For over a week I felt awful, like an extended hangover with no tales of drunken fun to show for it, just cold turkey.
Then it happened, as I began to feel better so my head began to clear and the ideas began to flow back. I started sorting through past work images and putting my remaining fabrics in order. The news of an all clear gave me another boost and I realised I had so much left to do.
It's been a few weeks now during which I've begun reintroducing myself to Missfit Creations, the business I loved then lost. I know why I lost control and I understand why I was hesitant to start back up, alternating from one day to another from business to despair. What I still don't get is why I hit delete, why I couldn't have just left things until I could cope. I truly believed that Missfit Creations had to go.
Well now it's back and I'm feeling so much better. I've ended all those odd tasks I've started in the meantime and rebooted the original business, Missfit Creations. My excitement has begun building again when I sit in front of the sewing machine and I've started imagining designs in my sleep, on the street, out shopping and on the yoga mat. Pop fashion has always been my first love and I'm about to introduce it to my new fitness regime, after all, that lycra needs to be taken off the shelf!
In the confusion, of which there was plenty, I thought I'd spoken to HMRC and closed Missfit Creations, when my self assessment arrived later that year I found out I hadn't. So began the alternating, from self employed to unemployed (I did close Missfit Creations eventually) and then to self employed when I felt able to continue. However, I wasn't well enough so stopped again only to re-emerge a while later as Missfit UK.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, my cancer had led to me pursuing a healthier lifestyle which in turn saw me start yoga and running. As I am pretty good with a needle and thread I made my own fitness gear and so the idea of turning this into a business felt right. I wasn't yet 100% well and decided to add health and fitness accessories to my stock so that I wouldn't be reliant only upon items I made myself, hence dropping 'Creations'.
No matter how I dressed it up, selling lycra running belts and foam rollers didn't excite as much as kitting out a boy band or glitzing up a drag queen.
Then came an opportunity to work with a local yoga studio making leggings and tops, this did interest me and I set about designing and making a few sample pieces. However, I still didn't have the drive that I used to and this worried me. I began doubting my abilities, especially my design and sewing skills - they hadn't been used for over 2 years.
During that time there had been moments when I almost blamed my business for the illness which remains largely unexplained. Had I been working too hard, was it stress? These feelings manifested themselves into a need to rid myself of anything and everything to do with Missfit and at a particularly low moment I hit delete. Gone was my beautiful website, I called to ask for it to be shelved for the foreseeable. No more Facebook page, those 3,800 likes meant nothing anymore and so I deleted it. I continued this wipe out of my beloved business by removing the name from other social media sites I used and making it known that Missfit was no more. It didn't end there, shelves of fabrics were bagged up to be given away, eBayed or even car booted (apart from the lycra and sequins...) The fabric was joined by 100s of sewing patterns and other bits and pieces I no longer felt the need for. The final nail in Missfits coffin was the sale of my remaining stock which was made up of over 600 pieces of vintage clothing and a substantial amount of my own designs. Sold to a shop in Charing Cross, all gone.
Fast forward to the new incarnation of my business, Missfit UK and I'm telling myself it's not much different, lycra leggings are similar to lycra Bowie suits, aren't they? Still something wasn't right and it took another dark day to highlight just what it was.
Since having my kidney removed I'd experienced a lot of pain and so had been prescribed a kind of neuropathic pain killer - one that treats pain triggered by nerve damage. What I hadn't realised was that a side effect of the dose I was on led to feelings of lethargy, I was often so tired and my head was a blur. This drug induced apathy was not conducive to a creative profession. I was struggling to concentrate and work on the new yoga designs was going nowhere fast. I was also waiting on results of my latest ct scan and didn't feel good so in another moment of madness I stopped the drugs.
For over a week I felt awful, like an extended hangover with no tales of drunken fun to show for it, just cold turkey.
Then it happened, as I began to feel better so my head began to clear and the ideas began to flow back. I started sorting through past work images and putting my remaining fabrics in order. The news of an all clear gave me another boost and I realised I had so much left to do.
It's been a few weeks now during which I've begun reintroducing myself to Missfit Creations, the business I loved then lost. I know why I lost control and I understand why I was hesitant to start back up, alternating from one day to another from business to despair. What I still don't get is why I hit delete, why I couldn't have just left things until I could cope. I truly believed that Missfit Creations had to go.
Well now it's back and I'm feeling so much better. I've ended all those odd tasks I've started in the meantime and rebooted the original business, Missfit Creations. My excitement has begun building again when I sit in front of the sewing machine and I've started imagining designs in my sleep, on the street, out shopping and on the yoga mat. Pop fashion has always been my first love and I'm about to introduce it to my new fitness regime, after all, that lycra needs to be taken off the shelf!
Saturday, 2 April 2016
The Perfect 10
I did it, today I ran for 10 miles without stopping for the first time and I managed to keep my average pace just under 9 minutes per mile - 8.58 to be precise, completed in 1 hour 30 minutes.
The first 4 miles I was averaging around 8.40 per mile and dropped it back just in case I was pushing a bit too hard for the distance. To be honest though, I could have run on, I felt really good.
I've run the course before albeit in two lots of 5 miles so knew the route well, what surprised me was how strong I felt. Even when I've done the shorter routes there have been times where I've flagged but today I enjoyed every minute.
The only notable difference was the weather, it rained throughout. Not torrential rain but it was steady for the whole of the run and suited me perfectly. I'm very prone to overheating no matter what I wear I get so hot after a couple of miles and I know this can slow my pace. The rain was fantastic and kept me cool and I'm sure this was a huge benefit to my run time.
I don't know whether my heating up is down to age, having one kidney or simply a common runners problem but it's one that definitely affects how I run. Because I'm in the 'Mono Kidney Club' I always have plenty of water but there's only so many layers you can take off on a road run.
When I get around to entering some races this year I'll be praying for a downpour on race day that's for sure.
The first 4 miles I was averaging around 8.40 per mile and dropped it back just in case I was pushing a bit too hard for the distance. To be honest though, I could have run on, I felt really good.
I've run the course before albeit in two lots of 5 miles so knew the route well, what surprised me was how strong I felt. Even when I've done the shorter routes there have been times where I've flagged but today I enjoyed every minute.
The only notable difference was the weather, it rained throughout. Not torrential rain but it was steady for the whole of the run and suited me perfectly. I'm very prone to overheating no matter what I wear I get so hot after a couple of miles and I know this can slow my pace. The rain was fantastic and kept me cool and I'm sure this was a huge benefit to my run time.
I don't know whether my heating up is down to age, having one kidney or simply a common runners problem but it's one that definitely affects how I run. Because I'm in the 'Mono Kidney Club' I always have plenty of water but there's only so many layers you can take off on a road run.
When I get around to entering some races this year I'll be praying for a downpour on race day that's for sure.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)