In the confusion, of which there was plenty, I thought I'd spoken to HMRC and closed Missfit Creations, when my self assessment arrived later that year I found out I hadn't. So began the alternating, from self employed to unemployed (I did close Missfit Creations eventually) and then to self employed when I felt able to continue. However, I wasn't well enough so stopped again only to re-emerge a while later as Missfit UK.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, my cancer had led to me pursuing a healthier lifestyle which in turn saw me start yoga and running. As I am pretty good with a needle and thread I made my own fitness gear and so the idea of turning this into a business felt right. I wasn't yet 100% well and decided to add health and fitness accessories to my stock so that I wouldn't be reliant only upon items I made myself, hence dropping 'Creations'.
No matter how I dressed it up, selling lycra running belts and foam rollers didn't excite as much as kitting out a boy band or glitzing up a drag queen.
Then came an opportunity to work with a local yoga studio making leggings and tops, this did interest me and I set about designing and making a few sample pieces. However, I still didn't have the drive that I used to and this worried me. I began doubting my abilities, especially my design and sewing skills - they hadn't been used for over 2 years.
During that time there had been moments when I almost blamed my business for the illness which remains largely unexplained. Had I been working too hard, was it stress? These feelings manifested themselves into a need to rid myself of anything and everything to do with Missfit and at a particularly low moment I hit delete. Gone was my beautiful website, I called to ask for it to be shelved for the foreseeable. No more Facebook page, those 3,800 likes meant nothing anymore and so I deleted it. I continued this wipe out of my beloved business by removing the name from other social media sites I used and making it known that Missfit was no more. It didn't end there, shelves of fabrics were bagged up to be given away, eBayed or even car booted (apart from the lycra and sequins...) The fabric was joined by 100s of sewing patterns and other bits and pieces I no longer felt the need for. The final nail in Missfits coffin was the sale of my remaining stock which was made up of over 600 pieces of vintage clothing and a substantial amount of my own designs. Sold to a shop in Charing Cross, all gone.
Fast forward to the new incarnation of my business, Missfit UK and I'm telling myself it's not much different, lycra leggings are similar to lycra Bowie suits, aren't they? Still something wasn't right and it took another dark day to highlight just what it was.
Since having my kidney removed I'd experienced a lot of pain and so had been prescribed a kind of neuropathic pain killer - one that treats pain triggered by nerve damage. What I hadn't realised was that a side effect of the dose I was on led to feelings of lethargy, I was often so tired and my head was a blur. This drug induced apathy was not conducive to a creative profession. I was struggling to concentrate and work on the new yoga designs was going nowhere fast. I was also waiting on results of my latest ct scan and didn't feel good so in another moment of madness I stopped the drugs.
For over a week I felt awful, like an extended hangover with no tales of drunken fun to show for it, just cold turkey.
Then it happened, as I began to feel better so my head began to clear and the ideas began to flow back. I started sorting through past work images and putting my remaining fabrics in order. The news of an all clear gave me another boost and I realised I had so much left to do.
It's been a few weeks now during which I've begun reintroducing myself to Missfit Creations, the business I loved then lost. I know why I lost control and I understand why I was hesitant to start back up, alternating from one day to another from business to despair. What I still don't get is why I hit delete, why I couldn't have just left things until I could cope. I truly believed that Missfit Creations had to go.
Well now it's back and I'm feeling so much better. I've ended all those odd tasks I've started in the meantime and rebooted the original business, Missfit Creations. My excitement has begun building again when I sit in front of the sewing machine and I've started imagining designs in my sleep, on the street, out shopping and on the yoga mat. Pop fashion has always been my first love and I'm about to introduce it to my new fitness regime, after all, that lycra needs to be taken off the shelf!
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